Dear Nkosi
By – Anso Thom
It has been 15 years since you exhaled for the last time, you would have turned 27 this year. I would imagine it was a relief…a long breath that spoke of having carried a heavy burden and responsibility in your much too short life.
You were the Hector Peterson of the HIV generation in the 80s and 90s, a reluctant hero and activist who smiled bravely when you first hit the headlines after your primary school were grappling with how to deal with your disease.
The rest, as they say, is history.
You spoke out often, your words speaking of an old soul that has experienced way too much, seen way too much with your big, beautiful eyes.
I recall the iconic image of you standing on that huge stage at Kings Park Stadium, the dark suit hanging onto your fragile and tiny frame. But your big heart was there for all to see. You had been rehearsing your speech for weeks, understanding and knowing that what you said would be important…I remember how excited and nervous you were at the thought that then President Mbeki would be in the audience, but I also remember your profound disappointment when you realized he had walked out before you had completed your speech. But Nkosi, you did not need for him to be there, thousands heard you, millions continue to repeat and hold onto those words that continue to reverberate around the world. Your speech touched so many:
Hi, my name is Nkosi Johnson. I live in Melville, Johannesburg, South Africa.
I am 11 years old and I have full-blown AIDS. I was born HIV-positive.
When I was two years old, I was living in a care centre for HIV / AIDS-infected people. My mommy was obviously also infected and could not afford to keep me because she was very scared that the community she lived in would find out that we were both infected and chase us away.
I know she loved me very much and would visit me when she could. And then the care centre had to close down because they didn’t have any funds. So my foster mother, Gail Johnson, who was a director of the care centre and had taken me home for weekends, said at a board meeting she would take me home. She took me home with her and I have been living with her for eight years now.
I know that my blood is only dangerous to other people if they also have an open wound and my blood goes into it. That is the only time that people need to be careful when touching me.
In 1997 mommy Gail went to the school, Melpark Primary, and she had to fill in a form for my admission and it said does your child suffer from anything so she said yes: AIDS.
My mommy Gail and I have always been open about me having AIDS. And then my mommy Gail was waiting to hear if I was admitted to school. Then she phoned the school, who said we will call you and then they had a meeting about me.
Of the parents and the teachers at the meeting 50% said yes and 50% said no. And then on the day of my big brother’s wedding, the media found out that there was a problem about me going to school. No-one seemed to know what to do with me because I am infected. The AIDS workshops were done at the school for parents and teachers to teach them not to be scared of a child with AIDS. I am very proud to say that there is now a policy for all HIV-infected children to be allowed to go into schools and not be discriminated against.
And in the same year, just before I started school, my mommy Daphne died. She went on holiday to Newcastle- she died in her sleep. And mommy Gail got a phone call and I answered and my aunty said please can I speak to Gail? Mommy Gail told me almost immediately my mommy had died and I burst into tears. My mommy Gail took me to my Mommy’s funeral. I saw my mommy in the coffin and I saw her eyes were closed and then I saw them lowering it into the ground and then they covered her up. My granny was very sad that her daughter had died.
I hate having AIDS because I get very sick and I get very sad when I think of all the other children and babies that are sick with AIDS. I just wish that the government can start giving AZT to pregnant HIV mothers to help stop the virus being passed on to their babies. Babies are dying very quickly and I know one little abandoned baby who came to stay with us and his name was Micky. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t eat and he was so sick and Mommy Gail had to phone welfare to have him admitted to a hospital and he died. But he was such a cute little baby and I think the government must start doing it because I don’t want babies to die.
Because I was separated from my mother at an early age, because we were both HIV positive, my mommy Gail and I have always wanted to start a care centre for HIV / AIDS mothers and their children. I am very happy and proud to say that the first Nkosi’s Haven was opened last year. And we look after 10 mommies and 15 children. My mommy Gail and I want to open five Nkosi’s Havens by the end of next year because I want more infected mothers to stay together with their children- they mustn’t be separated from their children so they can be together and live longer with the love that they need.
When I grow up, I want to lecture to more and more people about AIDS- and if mommy Gail will let me, around the whole country. I want people to understand about AIDS- to be careful and respect AIDS- you can’t get AIDS if you touch, hug, kiss, hold hands with someone who is infected.
Care for us and accept us- we are all human beings. We are normal. We have hands. We have feet. We can walk, we can talk, we have needs just like everyone else- don’t be afraid of us- we are all the same!”
(An extract from his speech delivered in July 2000).
I remember how excited you were at traveling to the United States to meet Robin Williams who you said made you laugh. You always loved jokes…you would tell the worst jokes and laugh the loudest. I think that is where my son got his crazy sense of humour from!
Do you remember when you once visited us in Cape Town. You were so sick already and I remember waiting for you at Cape Town International Airport and having to hide my shock at seeing how much you had deteriorated…the crust of thrush sitting thick around your lips, the windbreaker completely dwarfing your frame. You were so excited to be in Cape Town and immediately wanted to go and eat ribs – you ordered the biggest rack of ribs only to stare at it and asking if we could take it home. The thrush was so bad that it was impossible for you to eat most food. The diarrhoea became to severe that we rushed you to our doctor where she put you on a drip to tide you over even though you should have probably been in hospital.
You loved music so much, one of your favourites the soundtrack from The Commitments…You would listen to it over and over again and of course my CD went home with you!
Do you remember us going to the Carols by Candlelight at Kirstenbosch? You managed to get us a ride on the golf cart, all the way to the lawns where you lay in our laps, covered in thick blankets and singing each carol at the top of [your voice. Your look of amazement when you looked back and saw the sea of candles will always stay with me.
Nkosi, on 18 July we will all return to Durban. Some of us are returnees, others are newbies who joined the HIV activist bus along the way. I want to promise you that we will not go to Durban and accept empty rhetoric, lofty promises and articulate but empty political speeches. No, we will go to Durban expecting to live up to your dream where no child is born HIV-positive, no child needs to be separated from their mothers because of disease and poverty and stigma is just an ugly swear word.
This will be a conference where the South African government will hear your message, this we owe to you and to the many other children who faced the same fate.
Lala Kakuhle gentle, beautiful warrior, we will feel your presence in Durban we will carry you in our hearts and songs.
All our love, admiration and respect.
ANSO THOM is the Head of Communications at SECTION 27 and an editor of Spotlight.